if i was terminally ill

I decided to have a night cap at betty's. For at least an hour i sat next to a very quiet guy and sipped on some PBR. CNN was on the television, and eventually O.J. Simpson appeared on screen. The guy next to me leaned over and said "hey man, if i am ever diagnosed as terminally ill, i will find O.J. Simpson and cut his dick off and shoot him.... that way i can be remembered as the guy who castrated and murdered the most famous murderer of our time." I didn't know what to say so i said "um.... thats cool, i'll rememeber you for that!"

this guy at UDF

This guy in front of me at line at UDF looked alot like Philip Seymour Hoffman. He purchased approximately $8 worth of junk food. The snotty gay clerk said "are you running snack food over to the Full Monty(a very sad short north strip club)?" The PSH look-a-like firmly said "no, why would you ask?" The clerk said "Oh come on! those girls come in here all the time and you are buying all their favorite snacks" The PSH look-a-like said "whatever, can i have my change?" As he walked out the door the guy behind me said "he's feeding the cows! man i've been to that club, those girls are nasty" After my purchase i observed the PSH look-a-like sprint across the parking lot and enter the Full Monty

The Hillbilly Alarm Clock

For the last few months the house next door has been being remodeled. So, every morning i wake up to "FUCKING A RIGHT!" and random "WHOOOOOOOOOOOO'S!" These guys are the most amped people i have ever heard at 8:00am. Anyways, this morning, i woke up to a guy screaming at the top of his lungs. I looked out my window and there was 3 guys in a circle passing around a hot saw blade, everytime a guy grabbed hold of the blade he would yell out "Woooooooooooo!" they passed it around ofr like a minute or two. Then i shit you not, one guy yelled "Fuck! its Ray! hey Ray, where the fuck have you been?" Ray walked towards the guys with a nail gun, and shot it in the air like 2 or three times and yelled "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" All the guys started to laugh.

Laundrymat Palm Reader

Yesterday i was at the Laundrymat in Grandview on 1st. ave. There was a guy looking at me from across the mat. He was some kinda weird cross-breed hippy/goth kid. After we made eye contact he came over to me and said "hey man ill read your palm in exchange for some detergent" I thought, what the hell, this is an interesting deal. He pulled a mini idiot's palm reader guide out of his coat pocket and we sat down at the table. He looked in the book, then grabbed my hand and said, "okay, this is your life line and you will live well into your fifties" he then felt around my hand and started to totally bullshit. "Okay, you will marry twice, your first wife will die in a tragic accident" AT THIS POINT IM STARTING TO GET MAD, AT LEAST TELL ME SOMETHING GOOD YOU ASSHOLE. IM GONNA ONLY LIVE TO BE 50 AND IM GONNA HAVE A DEAD WIFE. He then said "in your later years you will eventually have a very nice car" WHAT THE FUCK? DOES A VOLVO MAKE UP FOR A SHORT LIFE AND A TRAGIC DEATH OF A WIFE. I WANTED MY DETERGENT BACK!

soggy pillow blues

last night i had the equivalent of a wet dream for a true pizza lover. There was a girl i know eating pizza, i was talking to her, trying to get a slice. She reaches into her pie and offers me a large slice with feta cheese, banana peppers, green olives, and diced tomatoes. It looked and smelled soooo good. All of a sudden i woke up before i had a chance to eat the slice......... and there was drool all over my pillow