this makes me laugh every time

2 men and a crackhead

So i was shooting hoops with Sam Craighead, we were standing on the basketball court on 5th and dennison. There was a low key crackhead gathering on the picnic table across the park. Moment later, we were approached by their spokeswoman. and here is what she said...

crackhead-"Hey there, is are you guys holding pumpkins?"
me- "no, these are basketballs"
crackhead-"is that a pumpkin, why do you guys have pumpkins"
me- "similar to a pumpkin, round and orange, its a basketball"
crackhead-"it looks like a pumpkin, let me see it"
(i hand her the ball)
crackhead-"its a ball"
(she shoots the ball about 2 feet in the air, and keeps picking it up and throwing it in the general direction of the hoop)

service industry rule #1

Lets set the table here: Saturday night, Patrick J's outdoor patio, in the company of Kelly and Doug. A classy move by Doug, as he orders a bucket of beers from our "girls gone wild style" waitress. Damn near 15 minutes pass and still no beer bucket. Finally our waitress comes over with our bucket of beers and her story. "So, sorry Im late, one of those jalepeno poppers popped in my hair and it looked like someone just jizzed all over me! So i had to rinse it out because you don't want to walk around with jizz in your hair!" She then casually walked away as if she didn't just drop the "J-bomb"

Service industry rule #1.... Never say the word Jizz, or use any synonym of the word semen.

The Great Pizza Trim

The other night i came home pretty late and pretty hungry. Earlier in the evening my roomate (Matt carter) said he had a pizza and i was welcome to a slice. So i opened the box and there sat 3 slices. One was huge so i thought, well if i take one slice, it might as well be the big one. I devoured the slice and wanted more. But, what to do? I knew eating 2 out of 3 is "dickish" so i had an idea. I got the pizza roller and decided to trim about 25% off of each slice and that will add up to a half of slice, and Matt probably wouldn't notice. Well i trimmed too much off of the slices and they looked pathetic. The one looked so bad i had to just eat it. That left one super small slice, i closed the box and put it back in the fridge. The next morning Matt said" seriously man, what the fuck happened to my pizza, how did the slices get smaller?" I confessed the whole story
.

too much information

Yesterday my driving student got in the car and started to squirm around (This kid kinda physically resembled Ralph Wiggum from The Simpsons and talked like a nerdy robot) I looked over at him and said, hey man the lesson is 2 hours long, so if you need to stop and use the restroom, let me know.

He said "that will not be necessary, i just did both before you picked me up." "I will not urinate in the next 2 hours and i will not need to defecate for at least 4 to 6 hours."

I said "TMI"

He said" TMI?"

I said "Too much information"

He laughed real hard as if he never heard it before and said "TMI, too much information, hilarious, i will have to use that one"

soooooo... i walking down high st. near 5th, a vehicle comes screaming around the corner of 5th ave. (way too fast) hits a car and flips over! here is a pic, i damn near got hit myself! the driver was okay and kept saying "holy fucking cow, holy fucking cow"

Why I have terrible game: Part 4

I swear to God this happened, and i didnt realize how lame i was till now

This girl was talking to me and she said
"Do you wear chapstick"
I looked at her and said
"well, sure, this time of year especially"
She said
"whats your name?"
I said
"Jeff"
She said
"if Jeff was a chapstick flavor i would wear it"
I said
"ya if i was a chapstick flavor i wold be a mixture of grape and lemonade cuz that is my favorite flavor of Kool-Aide"

END OF CONVERSATION. NO MAKING OUT.

Tattoo you

Soooo..

I was in a gas station on the North end of town. The clerk noticed one of my tattoos and said

"Man, thats a weird tattoo, but i can say that cuz im a tattoo freak"
I looked at him and couldn't see any tattoos, so i said
"Hey man, you got any tattoos?"
The clerk chuckled and rolled down his right sleeve
"See this? Chinese symbols, Fire and water"
The clerk pulled his shirt down and exposed his chest
"Again, Chinese, Love and Hate"
He then untucked his shirt to expose his lower chest
"Rose wrapped in barbed wire, to symbolize a love i lost"
Next, the clerk turned around and said
"Come January, there will be a $2000 cross on my back"

I said "Damn, $2000, thats alot of ink!"
He, turned back around and said
"We are talking about a very detailed cross made out of human skulls!"
The clerk then handed me my change, and as he did, he flipped his wrist exposing yet another tattoo, and said
"Ancient Greek"

a tale of 4 bums

tonight on my walk home from Surly Girl comedy night, i ran into 4 bums. Each with their own story/style

bum #1 "that fucking guy who always runs out of gas in the same UDF parking lot"

Come on man, you run out of gas at least three times a week, in the same fucking spot! Look at the needle, or put more than 15 cents worth of gas in the tank and maybe you will get your car out of that 2 block radius!

bum #2 "that fucking guy with really bad luck, but all he really needs is a cigarette"

This dude has a dog and has been riding on a story for at least 2 years about how his house burned down and his dog saved his life. Well, tonight his story takes another sad twist. He has been living in his truck for the past 2 years and the truck got stolen and he lost all his stuff, including his cigarettes. What a bullshit segway into bumming a cigarette. Man they took everything i got, EVEN MY SMOKES MAN! CAN I GET A SMOKE, FUCK ALL THE OTHER SHIT I LOST!

bum #3 "the fresh start guy"

This guy told me he just got out of jail and all he needs is some change to get a fresh start. How is 35 cents gonna get you on the right track? I said "sorry man i got nothing" He said ""man fuck that" He was also wearing a ballcap with silver guns and dollar signs all over it.... and if you just got out of jail, dont wear a hat with guns on it, sport some peace symbols or something

bum #4 "the classic"

My personal favorite. No bullshit story or attitude. A man sitting down with an unkempt beard and a pair of trousers with "great depression style" patches on them. As i walked by he tipped his derby hat to me and said "change?" I took out my change and dropped it in his hat, cuz thats the way i like my bums.

you dont know shit about corn beef!

So...... I felt like a corn beef sandwich today, i think i only had corn beef one time before. The place i selected to satisfy my craving was Danny's Deli (a lil' deli under the Huntington tower on Broad St.) i heard it was there specialty. Anyways i got there during lunch rush and was crammed into a table with my back inches away from a man who resembled Carl Winslow (the dad from Family Matters). Anyways, the waitress (kinda cute) comes over and ask me what i wanted

me "um i'll go with a hot corn beef sandwich"
waitress "rye?"
me "what?"
waitress "on rye, the bread"
me "ya sure, thats what its usually on, right?"
waitress "yes, what kind of cheese"
me "ummmm what kind do people...

(a very annoyed voice from behind me interupted)

carl winslow "Swiss man, swiss!"
me "ill go with swiss"
waitress "do you want thousand island?"
me "does it come with a side salad?"
carl winslow (groans)
waitress "for the sandwich, honey"
me "nah, what should i put on it"
carl winslow (rustles his newspaper around a bit)
waitress "usually people go with brown or yellow mustard"

(as i watch the waitress walk away, the carl winslow look alike turns around and says)

carl winslow "Son, you dont know shit about corn beef"