"Bonerific"

So, yesterday i had a driving student named Spencer, he is in his mid twenties... and he enjoys using the term "bonerific"
he used it 5 times in a two hour lesson. Thats once every 24 minutes this guy uses the word "bonerific"

here are two of his five "bonerifics"

1) me "hey man how was your weekend?"
Spencer "oh it was bonerific! my girlfriend was in town!"

2) Spencer "hey jeff, see that lady across the street?"
me "oh yeah"
Spencer "Bonerific!"

this is why im an idiot..

So........ tonight i went to Skully's for "bands to watch 2" anyways, on my way up there i stepped into a huge puddle. Since it is cold, my feet were obviously frozen. While hanging outside, we decided that i should take my (brand new) Vans and hold them up to the hot lamps outside for smokers. Needless to say i held my shoe too close and burned it. The damage is pretty bad as you can see..... the eyeholes are melted, the laces are torched, its gonna take some work to make thse shoes waerable again. Iam a moron

so i feel like a dick because....

So, we are driving down the street of one of my driving students, when i notice a really bad snowman. The midsection is bigger than the bottom, and it has a rock for a mouth, no eyes, and a baby carrot as a nose. I said to my student "Wow, that is one of the worst snowmen i have ever seen in my life, i would describe it as pathetic" My student looks over and says "well... i think the kid who lives there has down syndrome..." I said "Oh, crap, now i feel like a total jerk" Then my student said "its okay, you didnt know".... but i still feel like a dick and you can't change my mind on that

my job is annoying: part 1

so there are soooooo many things annoying about being a driving instructor....but this one takes the cake, for about the 18th time today this guy comes to a complete stop on a road, at a sign that indicates there is a stop sign in the next 500ft.

And for the 18th time the car behind us nearly smashed into us. I think this type of sign clearly is not indicating a stop, but alerting you of a stop in the near future

the shire

This happened awile ago, but i just thought about it this morning. A few years ago i was drinking beers with my friend Shane (huge lord of the rings geek) and Nate. Shane worked Lord of the Rings into our conversation, and beore you know it you have 3 drunk guys talking about how easy the life of a hobbit would be..... There must have been a moment of Zen for Shane as he jumped to his feet and said "I hate my human life! I wish i had furry feet, and could just run around The Shire with a bottle of whiskey!"

someone interpret this dream without concluding im gay

someone interpret this dream without concluding that im gay:
so my dream last night, i took a job at CCAD as a nude life drawing model for $150. I get to the room and the people in the class are drawing a still life fruit bowl so i sit around and wait in my robe. The teacher says okay this is jeff, alright you may disrobe, so i hesitate, but disrobe..... The teacher says jeff why dont you stand next to the table where the still life is, i walk over, the teacher says closer, so i stand right next to the still life, and the teacher comes over and slides the fruit bowl right in front of me so at this point my "unit" might as well be resting in the fruit bowl...it seems awkward then a bell rings. Lunchtime! after a hard day of nude modeling guess where i went to lunch? Raisin' Canes! So im at Raisin' Canes and this fat guy who looks like Louie Anderson, from the drawing class nudges his buddy and said "hey look its fruity pebbles" and he pointed at me...thats about all i remember

this drunk couple on high st.

so there was this this drunk couple stumbling down high st., (an attractive girl and a guy with a mustasche markered on his face) and they had a dialogue that went like this

girl "so did you like my friends?"
guy "they were okay"
girl "what do you mean okay?"
guy "alright, i think they kinda sucked, is that what you wanted me to say?"
girl "no, are you serious?"
guy "you know what? i am serious, they suck, your friends suck"
girl "i cant believe you said that"
guy "believe it"

pause for almost san entire city block


girl "do you wanna go to my house?"

rip in the pants

-I USED A NAVEL ORANGE TO DEMONSTRATE THE ACTUAL SIZE OF THE RIP

So, about 2 weeks ago I completely ripped the ass out of my favorite pair of jeans. I have not been able to throw them away, so I kinda just wear them around the house. Anyways, today I was running late for work and I just ran out the door without thinking. Im driving around with my first student when I realized, oh crap, im wearing a pair of pants that my ass totally is hanging out of. It was time to get out of the car and set the cones up for maneuverability practice so I did that thing where I just kinda walked around the car so I was always facing the student, occasionally walking backwards at times it would appear to be unnatural. At the end of the the lesson I got out of the car and leaned with my back against the door as the student walked up to the house. I thought I pulled it off without being noticed until her mother walked over to the car. I continued to lean with my backside against the door as the mom walked over to me she said “I couldn’t help but notice when you walked back to the car from our front door… do you realize there is a huge hole in the fanny of your pants?” I acted surprised/embarrassed and she offered me duct tape to get my jeans through the day. So, as I walked up to my next student’s house I had every thing under control…. duct tape can fix everything

kitchen hero

found this comic i made in an old folder

lets get something straight here

lets get something straight here...

over the weekend i was asked to confirm that circa 2001 -i peed my pants at a party for $2 and a bottle of hot sauce

over time every story evolves, that is a fact. The problem is, this particular story keeps evolving to make me look worse so here are the facts

1) i intentionally peed my pants at a party in front of a circle of 8-10 close friends
2) i was paid close to $35 for this feat
3) everyone acted like it was cool, and a few others tried to do it too

FAQ
why did i decide to do it?
----well it was one of those mind over matter things, i didnt think my body would let me, and it seemed like a challenge
why did you get a bottle of hot sauce too?
----people kept throwing down $$ and i think dan watson just added it to make it seem like there was more at stake
did anyone else try?
----sure, but nobody else will admit they tried because they failed/realized it was stupid after i did it
how did your friends react?
----well at first they laughed and cheered, then they kinda ignored me till i went home

an hour at Firestone

As i sipped on my Sanka coffee and watched faint images of Dr. Phil on a static filled television I observed some very diverse topics in discussion. It went from Russian Literature-Jean Bonet Ramsey-death penalty-DNA/CSI craze-smallmouth bass fishing-breast cancer-Dr. Phil-calamari-Steve's fat belly-OSU football-Beat juice-then after all these issues were discussed it finally went back to car tires!

here were some highlights
1-theory 2-humorous 3-informative

1) A theory that Jean Bonet-Ramsey's father was the killer cuz he was so in love with her and knew he could never have her due to the age difference and the fact it would be frowned upon, and considered incest by society (you don't say)

my personal favorite topic was STEVE'S FAT BELLY

2. Steve's fat belly: Guy #1 gets off the phone, "it was Steve, that horse's ass is coming in an hour late today!" Guy #2 said "Oh, Im sure he filled that fat belly of his with budweiser last night" Guy #1 "I bet if you tore that fat belly open you would find some beer cans too!" Guy #2 laughs really hard and said "Goddamn that belly of his, i still don't know how a guy so skinny can be so fat"

3) Out West in the mountains they use Beat Juice on car tires or spray it on the roads because it is great for driving in the snow. Why? Cuz beats dont freeze. The only downfall is everything turns red

overheard cell phone conversations: volume 1

so, i was walking home down High St. after the huge OSU loss, when i overheard

guy answering cell "Ya, sure you will call me back in 20 minutes... last time you said that you called me back 2 months later, by that time I already fucked 4 girls you prissy bitch, fuck you!"

then he did the thing where he pressed the end call button really hard. I'm sure he wished he was on a real phone so he could have slammed it down hard

what an odd handshake

So today i picked up a driving student for his first lesson. Many times I introduce myself to whatever parent is around, and explain the first lesson's agenda. Well, on this particular day the father answered the door, so i said "hey man, my name is Jeff, and i'll be your son's instructor for today," while extending my hand for a shake. As we shook hands i noticed the guy was a very big, intimidating alpha-dad. So.......... I thought i should make it a firm handshake, and i tightened my grip. He countered my tight grip with an even tighter squeeze, so i squeezed harder as he crushed my hand (kinda like you do when you are goofing around with a friend trying to give the strongest handshake) At this point it seemed awkward and we both kinda let go, and he walked away and said I'll go find my son. I stood there with a slightly swollen hand...

denied the hookup at Applebee's

So i had a "catch up lunch" at my friendly neighborhood Applebee's. After enjoying some chicken tenders and a salad with my friend, he leans over and said "hey my sister works here, we'll get the hookup, i'll take this bill!" Moments later our server comes back and she says "would you like your checks?" my friend says "hey sure, i got this bill...." he handed her his credit card and leaned in towards the waitress and said "ya i'm sure you know my sister, Jenn, shes worked here for a long time" The waitress takes the credit card and said "thats nice", and walked towards the register. My buddy looked a little bewildered, and she came back with the bill. I looked at the total and it seemed to be exactly what it the price would for a burger, 4 chicken strips, 2 salads and 2 drinks. As we left the restaraunt i said "hey man, nice hookup! looks like she charged us for everything we ordered" My friend seemd irate and said "no dude, she hooked it up a little... she didnt charge us for the salads." But i swear i saw 2 salads on the check, for his pride i didnt bring that up!

denied! by the Applebee's hookup