not easy being a guy

every so often at parties i am faced with a gross scenario. I'm in line for the restroom, with a girl behind me. I enter the bathroom only to discover the toilet seat has been pissed on in a major way. So i pick up the seat and pee, hoping it all runs off. However, that never works, so you gotta flip the seat down and wipe away some drunk's urine. I hate this situation, and seem to come across it fairly often

dog poop

so this weekend i was house/dog sitting for a friend. I stopped by their house after work and let the dog outside. I went upsatirs to take a leak......and as i walked up the stairs i started to smell some feces. At this moment i knew what went down. The only question was where did it go down. My animal instinct took over as i followed my nose to the first pile. I quickly disposed of the dog droppings, only to smell more. This would not be as easy...... i literally had to sniff around upstairs till
i found the 2nd secrecret pile. For a brief moment i was a buttsniffing dog, and it was gross.

so my question is this... if the dog you are watching shits in the house you are watching, does that make you a double failure??

Pedestrian

Why is it that when a person walks across the street, or on a sidewalk, the are referred to as a pedestrian? When you go for a jog, you are a jogger. When you go for a swim, you are a swimmer. But when you decide to take a walk down a fucking street/or a crosswalk, you get a fancy term to describe what you are doing...

that's nasty!

So, on my way home from the MAN MAN show last night i came across a "nasty" situation. I heard a male voice shout "hey, thats nasty! that's nasty" Next thing i hear is a girls voice yell "No, your nasty!" I look over into the parking lot next to little brothers.....and there is a girl squatting down next to her car with the driver's door open, peeing on the ground. I quickly look down on the sidewalk and there is a steamy stream of urine rolling across the cool late september sidewalk. I took a long stride over the pee, and continue with my bad self. I agree with the guy, that was nasty.

the milkman

So, i was at a cellphone store yesterday when i saw something awesome happen. There were 2 guys working, the manager, a buff 300lb. man who could easlily pass for an NFL defensive lineman, and the other worker was a 145lb. frat boy decked out in american eagle get-up. As the big guy was helping me the other kid ignored a customer while he told his friend about how his car got broken into on his cell phone. Obviously aggravated, the guy helping me yelled, "hey man, help the customer" the frat boy said "ya, just a minute, im on the phone" by the time he helped the customer, the custmomer said he was going to the henderson rd store. The big guy had enough and said "you better start working today, or you are done" The frat kid said "sorry man, but my car got broken into last night and they stole my stereo and $400 worth of abercrombe clothes!" The big guy said "i do not car and i am not sorry it happened" The kid responded with "how could you say that?" Out of nowhere the big guy reached under the counter and pulled out a 20 oz. water bottle filled with milk. He tipped it to the sky and chugged about 75% of the milk, slammed it on the counter and yelled "Are you serious? i don't care cuz your mama bought you thoses clothes! Your Daddy bought you the car, pays for gas, insurance, and everything else you got! Your mommy and daddy will make sure you dont pay a damn cent to fix that window, replace that stereo, and clothes, so you wont get a tear from my black ass!" I started to laugh so gard tears were coming out of my eyes, cuz during that entire rant, the big guy had a milk mustasche!

opposite orders

So i was at dairy queen yesterday, and i ordered a medium chocolate cone with crunch. I pay the girl and she hands me vanilla icecream in a cup. I give her a blank expression, and she says "oh sorry" and she takes a spoonful of sprinkles and dumps it on the vanilla cup. I give her a frown and said "sorry, but this is way off from what i ordered" She took it back and said what was wrong.? I said "well....chocolate instead of vanilla, cone instead of cup, and crunch over sprinkles.....you bascically made the opposite of what i ordered"

Scenes from Bodega: part 1

So i overheard this guy talking to a girl on the patio at Bodega last night, and i realized this guy defines the term tool!

(tool) "so are you seeing anyone?"
(girl) "well im kinda seeing this guy"
(tool) "well what about tonight?" - he said this with the cockiest smirk on his face i have ever scene

excuse me sir

So, after work today I decided to pick up a few items from Target. I was having trouble finding cupboard lining when I spotted a guy wearing kakis and a red polo shirt pushing a shopping cart full of bath supplies. I said “hey man, do you know where I could find cupboard lining?” he said “hey man I don’t work here! Do you see a name tag on my shirt?” …. I thought to myself (No sir, but I do see a red polo shirt and kakis, you asshole)

observations from the passenger seat

So i was approaching pontiac ave. driving west bound on hudson with a driving student today...when all of a sudden a cop flashes its lights to pull over a car coming the opposite direction. The car being pulled over stops in the middle of the street, so we stop too. My student says "what is that guy doing?" i look over inside the car and the driver is dumping 2 or 3 bags of weed down his thraot, as the cop approaches his car. The guy eating the weed has this look on his face that says...oh shit what have i done, this may have been a bad idea. I look over at my student as we drive bt the scene, and said "that guy just ate his grass like a dumb cow"