It's nights like these when I begin to get nostalgic for home. It might be the hot weather, and the knowledge that everyone is out, or the slight loneliness that coincides with walking home from the bars. It's not enough to simply fill the gap with brief conversation, it's a feeling in my throat that I can't swallow. The motorcycle has reached a hiatus- as much as I would not like to admit it, the sensation of putting so much into something that hasn't amounted to much has made me tire of the process...like a bad relationship I guess. My car was out of commission all week, didn't bother me until I realized that I can't get to the farmers market tomorrow which is typically the highlight of the weekend.
I've found comfort lately in the unreasonable, building visions of the future which might or night not ever amount to much. There are a few things I'd like to do after I graduate- build a cabin in the woods, move to San Francisco and start another life, a third life so far. There is comfort on relying on the unpredictable, I'd like to just "leave it open" but that prospect is just as scary, like the worm dangling on the hook. At what point do you start to plan for your future? 26 years old by surprise. Less control over your body. Sometimes I wish I could touch it with my hands, other times I think that the looser the hold the faster it runs through your fingers. It's discomforting living in a town like Athens where 26 is aged. Unsettling.
Dreams are where I've found adventure lately. I've been sleeping at the other end of the bed, with my head towards the door, and when I wake up I see my window with the green leaves outside which lets me know what the weather is like. Glance at the clock, quickly evaluate, try not to look around at the records and bookshelves and feel tethered by their volume. That is where the window comes in- grass, branches, leaves, breath, wind, sky. Imagine giving it all away. Selling it all and buying some land. Digging my toes into my dirt, as unreasonable as it sounds. You can never own it, really. Wouldn't that be the best part?
Really though, the dreams are amazing. Riding in old cars with fast engines, walking through the halls of an enormous house with carved fireplaces, the quiet. A conversation with my friend Jeff made me believe that you can understand a lot of things in dreams. He said his sister went on anti depressants and stopped dreaming. What can be said for that? Can it even be described?

I'm looking, every day, every second, but I'm not sure what I'm looking for, not yet.

incense and peppermints

a yardstick for lunatics, one point of view


Drawings, lately



a loveletter to bobby pins



nuh nuh notes

(From Wikipedia.com)

Murder Ballads- Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

1. "Song of Joy" is a story of a man whose wife Joy and their three children, Hilda, Hattie and Holly, are murdered, leaving the man a drifter, as all he loves and holds dear has been stolen from him. In Cave's biography, Bad Seed by Ian Johnston, which only goes up to the preceding album Let Love In, it is mentioned that he was working on a new song called "Red Right Hand II", involving a man killing his three children. This may be the same song in a finished form, and, indeed, the lyrics mention "in my house he wrote his red right hand, which I'm told is from Paradise Lost". The Narrator portrays himself as the victim of the crime, however, other references to Milton suggest the narrator is obsessed with him and in fact, possibly perpetrated the crime himself.
2. "Stagger Lee" is based on a traditional song about the African-American murderer of the same name. Cave's version draws most of the lyrics from a 1967 transcription published in the 1976 book The Life: The lore and folk poetry of the black hustler (see reference).
3. "Henry Lee" is also based on a traditional song (or two), often referred to as Young Hunting. It tells of a woman who kills a man because he did not sleep with her or love her. It is a duet with PJ Harvey, a British rock singer who was in a relationship with Cave at the time.
4. "Lovely Creature" tells an abstract tale of finding and losing love through death. It is possible to interpret the lyrics as a sort of vanishing hitchhiker legend.
5. "Where the Wild Roses Grow" was a very popular duet with Australian pop singer Kylie Minogue. Nick says the traditional song "The Willow Garden" was the song that inspired him to write "Where The Wild Roses Grow". It's a classic tale of a man courting a woman and killing her while they're out together.
6. "The Curse of Millhaven" is a song of a mad girl called Loretta whose "eyes are green" and "hair is yellow". She describes the deaths of townsfolk, pointing out how "all God's creatures, they've all got to die". It is then revealed, in the failed stabbing of Mrs. Colgate, that Lottie is in fact the killer. "Curse" uses the fictional town of Millhaven, created by Peter Straub and came out on paper in his books regarding "The Blue Rose Murders". In particular, the novel The Throat has been recommended by Nick.
7. "The Kindness of Strangers" centers on a young girl named Mary Bellows, who travels to see the ocean. On the way she meets Richard Slade, but tells him to leave once she has a room. She finds herself lonely and unlocks her door, only to be killed by (presumably by, although it is not explicitly stated) Slade.
8. "Crow Jane" shares its title with a traditional blues song. Cave's version appears to be entirely original. In his version, it seems Crow Jane is gang raped, then visits a gunshop, arms herself, and kills the twenty miners who raped her.
9. "O'Malley's Bar" is a long song about a man who goes into a bar and kills his fellow townsfolk. He feels elated and sexually aroused by this killing, but is caught by the police. In the car, moving away from the bar, he begins counting those he killed on his fingers. The chances are he'll have a hard time keeping track; the song runs for over fourteen minutes.
10. "Death Is Not the End" is a song featuring several vocalists, such as Anita Lane, Kylie Minogue, PJ Harvey, and Shane McGowan, including Cave himself and his bandmembers drummer Thomas Wydler and guitarist Blixa Bargeld. They each sing a verse in this cover of a Bob Dylan song, the only song in which an actual death does not occur.

The death count on the entire album comes to 64, or a mean average (rounding) of 6 deaths per song.

As summer comes, so do my thoughts about losing weight which are so predictably reoccuring they should be listed alongside the phases of the moon in the farmers almanac. As I get older I notice more and more of a difference in the weight/exercise/intake ratio, and how I need to start paying more and more attention to what exactly I am finding delicious at the moment. Unfortunatley this year I'm having a difficult time shedding some winter weight, which is having a huge effect on my self confidence. So, of course, I've resorted to desperate times/desperate measure tactics, which I am here to talk to you about today. (Or tonight, really, because it's 3:30 AM and I just got home from closing the bar. I have a hard time with the wind down some nights, tonight in particular because it was a dance night and jaysus I've got to say I'm more than happy it's the last one until next fall.)

So the first thing I tried was fasting, which was totally ridiculous. I think I got through a morning/afternoon sipping on maple syrup and lemon juice before I cracked. I was angry with myself but very grateful for the existance of avocadoes. I would not recommend the fast method, as it only incites desperate craving and slight anger.

The second method was my high school fallback, the carbohydrate Dr. Atkins thing. Again, of course, unsuccessful. It costs a lot of money to eat that way and money is one thing I don't have enough of at the moment.

Third, exercise. Usually tired after long bar shifts it's hard to get motivated to push myself around. Ugh, looking at all of these is making me feel a little sad.

Really though I'd just like to feel at home in my body again, and to think I can dress creatively, and to have all of my clothes at my disposal, and to look forward to swimming in country ponds with the right mindset. I'm not sure how to get there yet, but I'll keep trying to figure it out.