social death

So I've been having all these bizarre dreams as a product of sleeping at opposite ends of the bed, isolation and not having touched another person in months nor having created anything at all. This place is a psychic desert and my dreams are deciphering some kind of message from beyond the boredom, interpreting movie memories as reality not having much else to work with. Last night I had to put a stop to it as it is getting out of control. I dreamt that I got angry with my Mother and stepped on her foot, breaking a bone. Earlier in the dream I was making out with an ex-con friend of mine who lives here in Athens. This is getting unfair.

Everyday I wake up, take a shower and make coffee. I then check myspace about fifty times while alternately reading the news and checking my gmail account. I then ride my bicycle uptown and sit at a coffeeshop reading a book, previously Steinbecks "The Wayward Bus" and lately "The Botany of Desire", although it's a little rough going with all the Johnny Appleseed blither. I usually then figure out some reason to go to the grocery store where I wander around the aisles in search of something new to try, eventually going home. Since it's been raining a lot the pool is out of the question as is Strouds Run.

Oh, I've started eating meat again out of a desire for variety.

There has to be some kind of lesson being learned here.

ugh more homesick than ever.

It's nights like these when I begin to get nostalgic for home. It might be the hot weather, and the knowledge that everyone is out, or the slight loneliness that coincides with walking home from the bars. It's not enough to simply fill the gap with brief conversation, it's a feeling in my throat that I can't swallow. The motorcycle has reached a hiatus- as much as I would not like to admit it, the sensation of putting so much into something that hasn't amounted to much has made me tire of the process...like a bad relationship I guess. My car was out of commission all week, didn't bother me until I realized that I can't get to the farmers market tomorrow which is typically the highlight of the weekend.
I've found comfort lately in the unreasonable, building visions of the future which might or night not ever amount to much. There are a few things I'd like to do after I graduate- build a cabin in the woods, move to San Francisco and start another life, a third life so far. There is comfort on relying on the unpredictable, I'd like to just "leave it open" but that prospect is just as scary, like the worm dangling on the hook. At what point do you start to plan for your future? 26 years old by surprise. Less control over your body. Sometimes I wish I could touch it with my hands, other times I think that the looser the hold the faster it runs through your fingers. It's discomforting living in a town like Athens where 26 is aged. Unsettling.
Dreams are where I've found adventure lately. I've been sleeping at the other end of the bed, with my head towards the door, and when I wake up I see my window with the green leaves outside which lets me know what the weather is like. Glance at the clock, quickly evaluate, try not to look around at the records and bookshelves and feel tethered by their volume. That is where the window comes in- grass, branches, leaves, breath, wind, sky. Imagine giving it all away. Selling it all and buying some land. Digging my toes into my dirt, as unreasonable as it sounds. You can never own it, really. Wouldn't that be the best part?
Really though, the dreams are amazing. Riding in old cars with fast engines, walking through the halls of an enormous house with carved fireplaces, the quiet. A conversation with my friend Jeff made me believe that you can understand a lot of things in dreams. He said his sister went on anti depressants and stopped dreaming. What can be said for that? Can it even be described?

I'm looking, every day, every second, but I'm not sure what I'm looking for, not yet.

incense and peppermints

a yardstick for lunatics, one point of view


Drawings, lately



a loveletter to bobby pins



nuh nuh notes

(From Wikipedia.com)

Murder Ballads- Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

1. "Song of Joy" is a story of a man whose wife Joy and their three children, Hilda, Hattie and Holly, are murdered, leaving the man a drifter, as all he loves and holds dear has been stolen from him. In Cave's biography, Bad Seed by Ian Johnston, which only goes up to the preceding album Let Love In, it is mentioned that he was working on a new song called "Red Right Hand II", involving a man killing his three children. This may be the same song in a finished form, and, indeed, the lyrics mention "in my house he wrote his red right hand, which I'm told is from Paradise Lost". The Narrator portrays himself as the victim of the crime, however, other references to Milton suggest the narrator is obsessed with him and in fact, possibly perpetrated the crime himself.
2. "Stagger Lee" is based on a traditional song about the African-American murderer of the same name. Cave's version draws most of the lyrics from a 1967 transcription published in the 1976 book The Life: The lore and folk poetry of the black hustler (see reference).
3. "Henry Lee" is also based on a traditional song (or two), often referred to as Young Hunting. It tells of a woman who kills a man because he did not sleep with her or love her. It is a duet with PJ Harvey, a British rock singer who was in a relationship with Cave at the time.
4. "Lovely Creature" tells an abstract tale of finding and losing love through death. It is possible to interpret the lyrics as a sort of vanishing hitchhiker legend.
5. "Where the Wild Roses Grow" was a very popular duet with Australian pop singer Kylie Minogue. Nick says the traditional song "The Willow Garden" was the song that inspired him to write "Where The Wild Roses Grow". It's a classic tale of a man courting a woman and killing her while they're out together.
6. "The Curse of Millhaven" is a song of a mad girl called Loretta whose "eyes are green" and "hair is yellow". She describes the deaths of townsfolk, pointing out how "all God's creatures, they've all got to die". It is then revealed, in the failed stabbing of Mrs. Colgate, that Lottie is in fact the killer. "Curse" uses the fictional town of Millhaven, created by Peter Straub and came out on paper in his books regarding "The Blue Rose Murders". In particular, the novel The Throat has been recommended by Nick.
7. "The Kindness of Strangers" centers on a young girl named Mary Bellows, who travels to see the ocean. On the way she meets Richard Slade, but tells him to leave once she has a room. She finds herself lonely and unlocks her door, only to be killed by (presumably by, although it is not explicitly stated) Slade.
8. "Crow Jane" shares its title with a traditional blues song. Cave's version appears to be entirely original. In his version, it seems Crow Jane is gang raped, then visits a gunshop, arms herself, and kills the twenty miners who raped her.
9. "O'Malley's Bar" is a long song about a man who goes into a bar and kills his fellow townsfolk. He feels elated and sexually aroused by this killing, but is caught by the police. In the car, moving away from the bar, he begins counting those he killed on his fingers. The chances are he'll have a hard time keeping track; the song runs for over fourteen minutes.
10. "Death Is Not the End" is a song featuring several vocalists, such as Anita Lane, Kylie Minogue, PJ Harvey, and Shane McGowan, including Cave himself and his bandmembers drummer Thomas Wydler and guitarist Blixa Bargeld. They each sing a verse in this cover of a Bob Dylan song, the only song in which an actual death does not occur.

The death count on the entire album comes to 64, or a mean average (rounding) of 6 deaths per song.

As summer comes, so do my thoughts about losing weight which are so predictably reoccuring they should be listed alongside the phases of the moon in the farmers almanac. As I get older I notice more and more of a difference in the weight/exercise/intake ratio, and how I need to start paying more and more attention to what exactly I am finding delicious at the moment. Unfortunatley this year I'm having a difficult time shedding some winter weight, which is having a huge effect on my self confidence. So, of course, I've resorted to desperate times/desperate measure tactics, which I am here to talk to you about today. (Or tonight, really, because it's 3:30 AM and I just got home from closing the bar. I have a hard time with the wind down some nights, tonight in particular because it was a dance night and jaysus I've got to say I'm more than happy it's the last one until next fall.)

So the first thing I tried was fasting, which was totally ridiculous. I think I got through a morning/afternoon sipping on maple syrup and lemon juice before I cracked. I was angry with myself but very grateful for the existance of avocadoes. I would not recommend the fast method, as it only incites desperate craving and slight anger.

The second method was my high school fallback, the carbohydrate Dr. Atkins thing. Again, of course, unsuccessful. It costs a lot of money to eat that way and money is one thing I don't have enough of at the moment.

Third, exercise. Usually tired after long bar shifts it's hard to get motivated to push myself around. Ugh, looking at all of these is making me feel a little sad.

Really though I'd just like to feel at home in my body again, and to think I can dress creatively, and to have all of my clothes at my disposal, and to look forward to swimming in country ponds with the right mindset. I'm not sure how to get there yet, but I'll keep trying to figure it out.

I thought I'd list the music I've been listening to lately. Although I'd usually do some kind of spring mix for the season, I've been way too busy to get into that so instead just a quick recap of what's been playing in the garage/car/studytime...

1.Crystal Castles- S/T
Mature stuff for a couple of kiddos. The intro "Untrust Us" reminds me of a remixed version of Nobukazu Takemura's "Lost Treasure" with the vocal bits barely legible in that so familiar 8 bit kinda way, which are Crystal Castle's whole gimmick. They've also been accused of Copyright infringement on a few different levels, using an artists work for their record cover without permission (Trevor Brown's image of a bruised Madonna) and ripping off so many beats that there is an entire myspace page dedicated to their crimes Besides all of that, the first few tracks are solid enough to catch your attention while the later songs tiptoe around being solidly experimental. P.S. That HEALTH collaboration is pretty wicked.

2.Ok that's it I'm tired but I will catch up on this later

It is Sunday, feels like Sunday, spent the morning/afternoon in a parking lot on a Honda 250 Nighthawk with a jumpy throttle workin' on my S curve. Yeah...
This weekend was lots of fun, even through a mist of sleep deprivation that affords a soft fuzziness to everything. I took the first of three Beginner Training Course classes in Chillicothe Friday night, the classroom portion that wasn't half as much of a drag as I thought it might be. The lectures are supplemented with a video featuring total babes (really!) talking about how much fun is to ride a motorcycle and the seriousness of the safety side of riding, but not in a fire and brimstone kind of way. We talked about the controls of the bike, the best way to deal with problems you might encounter i.e. tight curves, debris in the road and the actual road laws.
After the class I drove home on route 50 back to Athens saying more than one prayer just to get home alright, considering the saab has been acting a little funny and the eight leaping deer warnings posted beside the road. I got back just a little late to work at the Union for eighties Dance or Die night, bartending was easy and there were a lot of friendly people there. Home at 4:30 AM, awake again at 6:15 AM to drive back to Chillicothe for the second BTC class that began at 8 AM. Upon arrival I saw twelve bikes lined up in the parking lot, a few suzuki cruisers, suz dirtbikes, Honda Rebels and a few Nighthawks, all in the 200-250cc range. We picked our bike, hopped on, found neutral and listened to a long and totally necessary talk about the "friction zone" and covering the clutch until we were used to the bikes. The rest of the day dealt with maneuverability and control issues, cone weaves, leaning on curves, etc. It was fun, kinda fun, kind of like school and to be honest although I know that I've learned a lot about controlling the bike I can't help but think that the road will be a completely different animal.
I drove home on route 50 again, this time in daylight and it is an absolutely beautiful way to travel to that part of Ohio. I would go as far as to say that it is the most beautiful road I've ever traveled on. Maybe the time of year added to the appeal, but really, it was hard to put into words. Very much southern Ohio, but apparently it is a route that will take you all the way to California.

Anyway, not to bore you with details but I got home after tha class and passed out for two hours and then back to work for the Dead Sea show, which was a lot of fun and AJ and I had a successful work night. I tried to get home early but didn't get to sleep until 4AM again, waking up (late!) at 6:45 and RAN out of the house making it to my final BTC class at 8:05. They were nice about it.

Ahhh, this story ends well as I passed the test and now have my Motorcycle operator endorsement! That, along with my new plates and newly changed title, leaves room for the last few steps, namely figuring out why the hell gas keeps overflowing out of one side of the carburetors, a new set of tires and a fresh insurance policy. It will feel good to be totally legitimate about the whole thing.

1979 SUZUKI GS550 Carb Flushing

I just spent an hour and a half trying to consolidate my book purchases on amazon so that I wouldn't have to pay for shipping from six different sellers. It's actually way more complicated than I thought it would be? I bought two more Brautigan compilations because I keep lending them out, they're only about $3.00 each so no big loss really. I also bought the Divine Comedy in three separate volumes from penguin classics for $0.50 each, "Sixty Stories" by Donald Barthelme and "Hells Angels" by Burroughs. People keep recommending the last one, and although I've never really been into Burroughs a book about motorcycles has to be the ideal route, personally.

Yesterday after a few early morning meetings with professors to catch up from the week of classes that I missed I spent the day working on the motorcycle. As much as I didn't want to admit it, before I wrestled the carbs back on I knew that a jet cleaning had to be completed. Ugh, so close! But I finally hankered down and took a seat in the garage, opened the big door to watch the rain and let in some light, pulled on my blue latex gloves (finally learned that lesson) and nudged out the throttle linkage.

A WORD OF ADVICE that ANY mechanic will tell you...as a beginner I found it VERY helpful to buy a box of ziploc bags and a sharpie marker and WHENEVER I would remove a part or set of screws I would place them in a baggie and write the name of the screw or part on the baggie. That way I always knew which set of screws went where, could look through the bag to reference and double check, and never lost any of the TINY screws that make up these carburetors. We all know how impossible that shit is to replace, they make it that way on purpose. BEAT THE SYSTEM! Save your eyes and sanity.

First step, since I had already removed the choke parts, was to remove each carb from the throttle plate. That got a little complicated, as there are many rubber parts that you should be very careful of since they are old and hard to replace. Another few small cautions are observing where the throttle tension spring connects to the carb body itself, as that is something that is important when you are re assembling the carburetors and take note of the placement of the throttle pull and the order of the carburetors themselves, which ones will be placed on the outside, etc. A lot of carb cleaning guides discuss how it is not nessecary to remove the carbs from the throttle plate, but the truth is that if you're going to soak the carbs themselves in carb cleaner it is imperative that you remove ALL rubber parts because the highly toxic cleaner will eat away at all your precious rubber bits :). The cleaner will also likely munch away at your paper gaskets, especially if they are thirty years old like mine! It might've been wise to buy a carb kit, but seeing as how that would be a lot more money I wanted to get around that. Plus, this bike seems to have had pretty clean fuel running through it as there was not much tarnish.

I finally bought a #3 screwdriver to remove those huge screw that affix the carbs to the plate, After removing the carbs and placing them down individually I went to work, completing each step on each carb before moving to the next step. This helped me keep each part together as well, and I learned as I went along.

this is not a tutorial, as I am not officially a qualified mechanic, so I'm going to be kind of vague from here on. I will say that the Clymer manual was my saving grace, and even though it is slightly soaked in gasoline I love it with all my heart even if it doesn't have a sense of humor. All in all, I removed the jets to find a goopy substance blocking some of the jets, which I hope solves my problem. I'm guessing it was the foam air filter that the former owner had neglected to change for twenty years, thereby allowing the foam to degrade and be sucked into the carbs. In respect to the carburetor it did an amazing job getting rid of most of the gunk, alas it couldn't do all the work and so I finished the job thanks to a can of carb cleaner and some shop towels.

Frustratingly after dis-assembling the parts I flipped to the last instruction that stated simply, "To re assemble the carburetors follow these steps in reverse order." Dammit! Of course there was a whole new set of issues when putting the carbs back together, including the placement of the rubber bits and a lot of trial and error. Finally after a lot of muttering to myself and guesstimation (just kidding) the family was reunited, and I could look forward to the joy of wrestling the carbs back onto the bike, probably the worst task in this whole endeavor. With the grace of a monkey shaking a tree for a coconut, I laid on the bike and pushed, pulled, cursed and begged the rack back between the airbox and the manifold. Since I just bought a brand new set of intake boots it made the whole ordeal a little easier, the new rubber is much more pliable and I am not as terrified of accidentally cracking old rubber boots as I already dropped the $100.00 on replacing them. Oh, another word of advice is to remove the philip head screws adhering the intake boots to the manifold and replacing them with hex heads, as the philip heads are old and will only strip when you attempt to remove them. I ripped up my hands the first time around getting those puppies off, and I'm happy to say that never going to happen again. Truthfully, on every repair I do to this bike I've replaced the bolts involved to save me time in the future. Oh, and they're nice and shiny too!

So my final task is to tightly fit the airbox onto the back of the carburetor, which I am (damn) just not strong enough to do. it's going to take some muscle for this one, maybe two people, let's see who I can bribe into helping me! Happily I begin my Motorcycle Ohio classes tonight and should have my endorsement by the end of the weekend! I am so officially official, almost! I was hanging out with some biker guys in Athens the other night a a girl there kept begging one of the guys for a ride on his bike, and I must admit I kept thinking to myself that I could go on a ride anytime I want, and get the extra thrill of knowing that I helped the machine work. It's a good feeling, even if it is slightly prideful. It's definitely not sloth, that's for sure. Maybe vanity?

Anyway, here is the list of parts I've replaced so far...
Filter- Fuel and Air
Taillight (I do kinda want one of those tiger tail lights that rice paddy sells)
Battery connections
Plug wires, plugs, one plug connector
four intake boots

Still need :
Oil filter
Tires
hose clamps
Oil change!

I'm sure this has bored you to tears, but I'll be back to fill you in on further mecahnical maneuvers!


wuv,
b

Here are some images from my life lately.

My friend Luke, who helped me pick up my motorcycle in Logan a few weeks ago. He is leaving for Yosemite next week to pack horses for tourists who travel through the park. He rides his motorcycle out there every year around this time and comes back in October. He rides an old chopper that has some very cool witchy decorations, braided leather on the back. I'll miss him, and I'm happy to have spent some time with him before he leaves town.




a photo of the my motorcycle in the back of the truck. I've since removed and cleaned out the carbs, replaced more than a few parts and bulbs, etc. Oh, and I also took off the dorky rack you see on the back here.



next to my bed.



Lara and I watch the sun rise.



My friend Max's feet.

Right when you think you have all your patterns down some thing comes along to shake it up.
I've been proud of my early schedule lately- with the exception of the late night spent working at the bar I've been up by eight thirty and had the coffee done and showered by nine, ready for class which doesn't usually start until eleven. Morning is two slices of toast, lots of coffee and emails and then a gradual acceptance that it's time to leave the house, followed by procrastination and a jog to class. Since everything is wrapped up by four I get home around five to do some work on the motorcycle or make an attempt at homework, usually do some research on tying to find a part or just listen to a record and clean up my room, which is cleaned and becomes a mess again a few times a week. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing it to myself to keep busy.
Another part of living in Athens is factoring in the time it takes to walk places, and what the weather is like outside. Most places take about fifteen minutes form my house, I prefer to walk instead of riding a bicycle for three reasons- I like running in to people while I'm walking, it forces me to relax and the spacing of the brick streets here does not lend kindly to bicycle tires. I also need to put gears on my bike, I love the simplicity of the single speed but it just doesn't make sense here. It's nice also to be called in to a place when you're walking by, and the spring/summer/fall culture of Athens is pretty exceptional in that there are great people strolling by most of the time. It's great, the idea that you never know what you're going to get into.
The motorcycle is a project that it taking more time, money and energy than would make sense to most people. It's good to acknowledge that because that means I'm not in denial, I just love the idea of this motorcycle running and knowing that it's there, available. To be honest I can't really imagine myself riding this thing, nor can anyone else for some reason. Hm, I wonder what significance that has? It's hard not to believe in things like fate and signs when they're everywhere.
I went back to Columbus last weekend to buy some parts from Rice Paddy and ended up staying the night. It was kind-of an awful trip, so weird without Grant around and going back to the bar to visit only to realize that things have already changed a lot. Or maybe I'm the one that's changed. I do feel different here, happier, more of everything to be honest. Just more in touch with all of that. There's something in the air, or a lot that isn't in the air that floats around in Columbus, my car is always covered in pollen and I can't help but feel like that's healthy.

Late last night I sat and listened to a conversation about bee sicknesses. Something about bees being riddled with diseases and scientists not being able to pinpoint what the problem is. I've been leaving my cell phone off most of the time in fear of contributing to the problem, and I've noticed people around town being especially careful with bees that find themselves trapped indoors. I've always had a sneaking suspicion that wireless internet couldn't be good for our bodies, our wavelegnths, that kind of thing. It hasn't effected my weirdo dreamscapes though. I was so happy to have my first motorcycle dream last night.

I'm going to begin writing here more often, think it might be a good way of dealing with some adjustments that have been happening.

hello sweet funny pretty exciting thing!

I named it Googy, after one of my best friends

my new motorcycle!

I've been watching a lot of movies lately. I just finished Solaris, the Tarkovsky version, The Criterion version at that. The commentary is done by two Tarkovsky experts who give some insight into the ambiguous version, and who also are not wrong when they talk about the only fault of Tarkovsky films- their tedency to lose inertia when they start to rant about metaphysical beliefs and their questioning of reality. It's still beautiful and makes me yearn for European ideals. Yes, when we sleep deeply we are closest to death. I also watched the Scorcese "No Direction Home" documentary on the life of Bob Dylan. I'm so happy they didn't dwell on the Baez/Dylan love affair, because it didn't seem all THAT romantic, and although he says he loved her his songs say otherwise. She was sad eyed, but not the lady of the lowlands as much as it seemed she wanted to be.

"Name me somebody that not a parasite and I'll go out and say a prayer for him."

It's been so quiet, in so many different ways.