stuff you don't (and rightfully shouldn't) think about, pt. 2

top 3 xmas movies that have nothing to do with xmas and still rock my shit

it coulda been new year's, fucking arbor day, whatever. peripheral goodwill to all notwithstanding, most of these movies (especially number one) will not end up on the top holiday film lists about to yawn through the media filler in the next month. these end-of-the-year lists are just holidays for writer jerks from cohesive, proto-narrative rambles, so hey, here's mine.

3.) die hard

yeah, yeah - a gimme, I know. but this is basically an excuse to type about what a beautiful bastard alan rickman is. the man has cavorted freely between a variety of roles with gleeful aplomb, from trekkie spoofery to the dark mullet-head of locksley. in die hard, his snide, nasally monologues remind us, as americans, that we all secretly hate the british. not really. kind of. red coat bastards. wait, what?

the dude from family matters also made this film the shit, so naturally, he was excluded from all sequels and has no career.

2.) gremlins

phoebe cates. one of the two coreys. the hero has a jew-fro (like me). phoebe cates. say her name in worship out loud, next to your computer. real quiet, nobody's looking...see? you're either happier and/or at half-mast, so good for you. check the youtube clip for a pre-pixar melange of cuddly-cum-irony: baby demons pacified by the rascals of yore, self-referentially (and metatheatrically, if you were old enough to catch it the first time around) hallmarking the devolution of cute in family entertainment. it's still hotly debated as to whether director joe dante meant the entire film as one giant sarcastic stab at 50's cinema. I remember this one random night studio 35 screened gremlins for free...one of my fondest memories there, right up with seeing wrath of khan with daymon dodson.

1.) brazil

cursed in pre-production, cursed in post-production, connected to the day river phoenix died, and still the unsung king of christmas films in cinematic history. pre-supposing the all-connectedness of globalist thought, fashionable terrorism, and death by plastic surgery (kanye's mom, r.i.p.) - brazil is a monumental tonic to the drone of squeaky-clean holiday fodder, a pipe bomb dropped smack in the middle of bedford falls. you might think that one movie about johnny depp doing drugs in vegas is real cool, but this is terry gilliam's greatest film, period. it hasn't wallpapered any dorms, and sure as hell won't be run in marathons on tbs any time soon.

...now that I've typed this out, it makes me wonder how each film would've turned had they taken place during different holidays. like, a fourth of july motif would fit the 'splosions in each film perfectly, no?

classics of thespian poetry, pt. 1

our thespian poet for this installment is master scribe juliette lewis. grab your favorite snifter of brandy, curl up with your feet in front of a fire, and let your mind drink in her command of grammatical wonderment.....

oh hey joe i'm so sorry for you now
cause you'll never live me down
i'm the girl in the licks juliette juliette say my name bitch

you got that gentlemen's swagger
and
a mind full of daggers,
leave me alone
that 13-inch boot don't make you
a man

everything you are is everything you want
everything you want is everything you need
and
everything you need is everything you try and take from me
everything don't mean a thing

i'm sick and tired of your duplicity
and
everything you change in me, change in me

vokeebulary, pt. 2

\rooster-booster (n.) - any friend who not only advocates the fair distribution of booty on your behalf, but will retreat at the appropriate hour as to secure said measure of booty in kind. hairpin timing is everything, and a qualified, generous rooster-booster is aware of this. heretofore boosting of rooster can pose as abstract recompense of debts both monetary and madden-oriented; the clearance of such responsibilities therein measured by the rooster in determination of his success. if ye be not a blocker of cock, ye be a booster of rooster.