underloved badassery, pt. 1

tom skerritt.


dude was in mash, harold and maude, alien, top gun, up in smoke, dead zone and space camp. this guy is your dad in b-movie form. dedicated democrat from the motor city. if ever a norman rockwell portrait came to life and kicked people's asses, it would look like tom skerritt. the poor man's tom selleck-come-clint eastwood? perhaps. but the dude's scabs are made out of denim, his blood is fucking barbecue sauce. this guy is the kris kristofferson of film. (wait...kris kristofferson is the kris kristofferson of film. shit.)

funuggets!

alright, that last one was pretty rhetorical, even for hall of famer/guest blogger george brett. so here's today's funugget. this one's pretty easy. funuggets are not for children. they have fun all the time. so funuggets are just for adults that have to blame themselves if they're stupid enough to perform the funugget.

gummy bear rancor pit

pretty much just what it sounds like. first you take some gummy bears. they're cheap. then you play with them on the edge of your kitchen sink. then you flick that lightswitch by the sink that doesn't turn on a light, and you throw those fuckers to their doom. me, I'm not fond of the pineapple bears; they irk me. like those bastards at haribo and black forest didn't have the mental capacity to conceive of grape gummies.

george brett sez, pt. 1

hey, it's me george brett. I just wanna remind you guys to get off your whiny asses because halloween is mardi gras for the midwest. or as close as they get. so get ready for sluttery. get ready for binge drinking, I mean shit like apple pucker and fire-hot or red-hot or water-fire or whatever they call that cinammon shit these days. me and tony gwinn only drink that shit when the halloween sluts are about. if you don't have a pair of vomit-encrusted angel wings in your apartment by the morning of november 1st, you're a sad little bitch. so get a costume. fuck that. get a mask and just wear something nice. I used to have this monkey mask with a big hole cut in the mouth so I could drink beer through it. I was the beer monkey for like, three years. nobody remembers, nobody cares. sidewalk life between the bars is a big fellini movie remade by howard stern. try to enjoy it.

world's best deadly waterslides, pt. 1