classics of thespian poetry, pt. 1

our thespian poet for this installment is master scribe juliette lewis. grab your favorite snifter of brandy, curl up with your feet in front of a fire, and let your mind drink in her command of grammatical wonderment.....

oh hey joe i'm so sorry for you now
cause you'll never live me down
i'm the girl in the licks juliette juliette say my name bitch

you got that gentlemen's swagger
and
a mind full of daggers,
leave me alone
that 13-inch boot don't make you
a man

everything you are is everything you want
everything you want is everything you need
and
everything you need is everything you try and take from me
everything don't mean a thing

i'm sick and tired of your duplicity
and
everything you change in me, change in me

vokeebulary, pt. 2

\rooster-booster (n.) - any friend who not only advocates the fair distribution of booty on your behalf, but will retreat at the appropriate hour as to secure said measure of booty in kind. hairpin timing is everything, and a qualified, generous rooster-booster is aware of this. heretofore boosting of rooster can pose as abstract recompense of debts both monetary and madden-oriented; the clearance of such responsibilities therein measured by the rooster in determination of his success. if ye be not a blocker of cock, ye be a booster of rooster.

underloved badassery, pt. 1

tom skerritt.


dude was in mash, harold and maude, alien, top gun, up in smoke, dead zone and space camp. this guy is your dad in b-movie form. dedicated democrat from the motor city. if ever a norman rockwell portrait came to life and kicked people's asses, it would look like tom skerritt. the poor man's tom selleck-come-clint eastwood? perhaps. but the dude's scabs are made out of denim, his blood is fucking barbecue sauce. this guy is the kris kristofferson of film. (wait...kris kristofferson is the kris kristofferson of film. shit.)

funuggets!

alright, that last one was pretty rhetorical, even for hall of famer/guest blogger george brett. so here's today's funugget. this one's pretty easy. funuggets are not for children. they have fun all the time. so funuggets are just for adults that have to blame themselves if they're stupid enough to perform the funugget.

gummy bear rancor pit

pretty much just what it sounds like. first you take some gummy bears. they're cheap. then you play with them on the edge of your kitchen sink. then you flick that lightswitch by the sink that doesn't turn on a light, and you throw those fuckers to their doom. me, I'm not fond of the pineapple bears; they irk me. like those bastards at haribo and black forest didn't have the mental capacity to conceive of grape gummies.

george brett sez, pt. 1

hey, it's me george brett. I just wanna remind you guys to get off your whiny asses because halloween is mardi gras for the midwest. or as close as they get. so get ready for sluttery. get ready for binge drinking, I mean shit like apple pucker and fire-hot or red-hot or water-fire or whatever they call that cinammon shit these days. me and tony gwinn only drink that shit when the halloween sluts are about. if you don't have a pair of vomit-encrusted angel wings in your apartment by the morning of november 1st, you're a sad little bitch. so get a costume. fuck that. get a mask and just wear something nice. I used to have this monkey mask with a big hole cut in the mouth so I could drink beer through it. I was the beer monkey for like, three years. nobody remembers, nobody cares. sidewalk life between the bars is a big fellini movie remade by howard stern. try to enjoy it.

world's best deadly waterslides, pt. 1

nerd research finds hot (yet troubled) chicks are into:

the misfits.
like, a shitload. baffles the fucking mind. good songs, no doubt about it, fuckin-a great songs, but good luck getting a cute girl worth a shit that worked up over the dictators. it happens.




100% cotton, sure to not send mixed signals in mosh pit