Never underestimate the power of soup.

I've been spending the past couple of days visiting with some family in the lovely town of Chattanooga, Tennessee. And when I say that the town is lovely, I'm not being the slightest bit sarcastic. The only problem with the place is that the most productive thing to do there is to hang out at the health food store and eat free samples of their scrum-diddly-umptious soups.

I hung out at the store and diligently devoured their succulent soups until I was asked to leave. Seeing as how this was a question, my answer was a resounding "No". Shortly thereafter, I was TOLD to leave. So there I was, out on the street with a belly full of delicious, healthy soup. There are worse things that could happen in life.

Speaking of healthy food, Chattanooga's claim to fame is that it is the home of the annual Krystal Square-Off, during which athletes from around the globe compete in a contest to eat as many Krystal burgers as possible in the shortest amount of time. I wish I could have been there for this.

Better luck next time.

Somebody help me, I'm hooked on retsyn!

I was waiting in line at the dollar store today when something in the candy section caught my eye. It was a pack of four rolls of Certs breath mints. It seemed like a bargain at the time, so I picked it up and bought it along with the rest of the stuff I had that I don't really need. Maybe I did this in order to safeguard myself against an unpleasant case of dragon breath. Or maybe it was because I saw this commercial back when I was a way little tyke and it has relentlessly haunted my dreams ever since.



The Certs people seem to be very proud of the fact that their mints contain retsyn. Which brings me to another query that I've been losing sleep over for as long as I can remember. What the fuck is retsyn? I decided to go ahead and do a little research on this "retsyn", and here's what I came up with:

Retsyn is a combination of copper gluconate and partially hydrated cottonseed oil. It is trademarked by Cadbury Adams, the maker of Certs, so that the people at Tic-Tac or Breath Savers can't steal any of their magical retsyn-induced thunder. The combined strength of the two ingredients in retsyn absorbs odor in the mouth, as well as enhancing the mint's refreshing flavor. The next time you are about to enjoy a Certs, take a good look at it before popping it into your mouth. Check out the little green specks on the mint. Guess what those are? That's right! It's the retsyn!

But enough of that crap. Let's take a look at another one of those awesome Certs commercials. This one's not quite as dated as the last one.



I think that one was filmed by the same dude who directed Milli Vanilli's "Girl, You Know It's True" music video. That's some dynamite shit, if you ask me.

At any rate, I'd forgotten just how delicious and refreshing these Certs really are. I'm on my third roll already, and by the time the night is over, I'm sure that the entire four-pack will be gone. That's a whopping 48 mints over the course of just a few hours!

Any second now, I'll be damn good and ready for one of those Certs encounters.

And the award for Best Picture Containing A Scene In Which The Statue Of Liberty's Severed Head Comes Tumbling Down The Street goes to:

I haven't seen this film yet, but it looks like a kickass rockin' good time.

Congratulations also to the other four nominees, all of which feature Lady Liberty in all of her decapitated glory:

The Beheaded

Knocked Off

Dude, Where's My Head?

Eternal Liberty of the Rolling Head

All great contenders, it must have been a long and difficult process to choose the winner.

Coming up next:

The award for Best Picture In Which The Female Lead Spends Way Too Much Time Playing Connect Four.

Don't touch that dial, you most certainly won't want to miss this one.