Fear and Loathing at the Post Office.

I usually hit up the Post Office about four of five times a week to ship out all of the crap that I sell on eBay. I always make it a point to go there after closing time, because there is still access to the lobby, which has one of those automated machines that weighs packages and prints the postage, so that you can quickly apply the labels and drop your stuff into the chute. Pretty damn convenient, if you ask me. Of course, you can also use this machine when the place is open, but I always wait until later, because there's always some crazy lady there whose job it is to show people how to use the machine. She'd seen me in there about a dozen times, and tried each time to show me how to use it, even though I had already done so a billion times. I just had to begin to avoid her at all costs. The bitch just gives me the creeps.

When I walked into the lobby, some guy who looked like Larry David was using the machine, so I went ahead took a place in line behind him. Over the course of the ten plus minutes that he was taking to complete his transaction, a couple of girls had joined the line behind me. One of them smelled like a banana, but I couldn't tell which one.

Finally, The guy using the machine took his printed receipt and walked away. I didn't have much to do there, and I was kind of hurrying through it, because having people waiting behind me there always makes me nervous, and besides, the odor of bananas was getting pretty fucking strong.

Right in the middle of my transaction, one of my contact lenses fell right out of my eye and onto the top of my cheek. I grabbed it with tip of my index finger, because I didn't really want something that I press against my eyeball to get stuck to the floor of the Post Office. I couldn't exactly try to put it back in right there, because I wasn't done with my transaction, and there were still people in line behind me. What I always do in a situation like this is to put the lens on my tongue until I make it to a safe spot to put it back into my eye. The problem is that I was chewing on a piece of Juicy Fruit. I swiftly took the wad of gum out of my mouth with my left hand, threw it into a small trash bucket that was right there, and put the lens into my mouth with my right hand. If I do say so myself, it was was a pretty damn smooth move.

I finished up the transaction and quickly headed over to the table behind me to apply the postage to the packages and get the hell out of dodge, only to see that the Larry David guy was back at the end of the line for some reason. As I got the stuff ready and threw it all into the package chute, I could see him out of the corner of my eye, staring at me with a look of utter disgust on his face.

Yeah, well, fuck that guy.

AND the horse he rode in on.