Countdown to the Meltdown

It is very important that you read this streaming blog today, because it is entirely possible that the world will end tomorrow (with a live performance by U2!). As you may have heard, at 6:66PM EST on Wednesday, scientists in Licking County plan to open up Satan’s Stargate with a machine they are calling Hadron’s Colander (pictured above).

Some say this contraption will do serious damage not only to our planet, but to our reality - our very existence (none of this seems very “green”). For example, some physicists claim this machine will knock us into an alternate universe where the only difference is that women will have a penis and men will have a vagina. Other theories include the creation of worm holes in the spacetime continuum which will allow aliens to invade the White House, as well as, the highly-anticipated return of ska music. I’m more of a jazz guy myself *wink*

Also, many conspiracy junkies love to point out the fact that tomorrow happens to be September 10th, which is exactly seven years and one day since 9/11. Mere coincidence?

Many of these doomsayers just happen to be of the right-wing church-going variety. Now, some might say these religious zealots don’t know their ass from a subatomic black hole in the universe, but the fact is someone did make a rap about it and put it on YouTube, which means that there is at least a smidgen of truth to it.

All of this end of the world talk has got me to thinkin’ about my bucket’s list. If life as we know it ceases to exist tomorrow I am going to be slightly irritated because there are several things going on that I would really like to see happen.

First and foremost, I might be getting final confirmation that I am hired for a job that I want really, really bad.

Secondly, tomorrow at 5PM EST there will be a huge citywide pizza fest at the LC. I am not even kidding. You pay $10 or something and you get to walk around the LC and eat hot pizza slices from pretty much every pizza joint in town (while trying to ignore the combustible stench of White Castle and Drakkar Noir which permeates the Arena District air).

Then at 10PM EST we have our weekly 90210 party at my place. This event is always a good time if it is anything like the first time we did it last Wednesday.

And if everything does indeed end tomorrow then I would definitely like to work a sexual encounter into my day, but there have been no reports on how Hadron’s Colander will affect YouPorn.com. If the internet goes down, the shit will really hit the fan.

BTW, ladies, (hey, it's worth a shot!) I am available for sexual encounters tomorrow anytime between 7PM and 10PM EST or before 5PM EST. I’m a pretty nice, down-to-earth guy, but I must admit, depending on the time of our rendezvous, there might not be an Earth anymore and I may either have a penis or a vagina.

So, to recap, Wednesday could turn out to be the perfect day, minus if the world ends. I could get a sweet new job, eat lots of hot pizza, make sex with a girl(?) and watch 90210 with all of my closest friends; plus, I like turtles.

O Hay, wasn’t the world supposed to end in 2012? Anyway, good luck everybody - catch ya on the flipside! I’ll blog about it!

P.S. I was thinking maybe we could make a handy checklist of things that we've still got time for in the comments section below - just in case I forgot anything besides making-out and pizza. But, hurry!