It's A New Year, It's A New You

My mom always made us eat black eyed peas on New Year’s Day – she said it would give us good luck for the next 365 days. I think some people eat sauerkraut. Regardless, many of you will be waking up today worried not so much on what special foods to eat for magical lucky powers, but focused on those pesky New Year’s resolutions stuck firmly in your craw.

1> If it’s “eating healthier” that you’re worried about make sure you try to quit all of your favorite fatty foods cold turkey. Quitting instantly, as opposed to weaning yourself off of bad food gradually, will assure long-term success. Nutritionally speaking, make sure you're skipping breakfast. If you must eat early in the day, remember that fruit and fiber are boring. Those might keep you satiated, but will they keep you happy? Chili dogs are way smarter. Oh, and remember to eat grotesquely large portions!

B> If you’re the “neat freak” type and 2007 is your year to get “buff” then I have some helpful tips for you as well. Even though you haven’t “worked out” since your senior year of High School, make sure you jump into your new exercise routine with maximum enthusiasm. You only need to train one day a week (for approx. six hours) if you do it right. Try to do way more than you should as quickly as possible and if you can, go ahead and injure yourself (i.e. pulled back muscle, sprained knee ligaments, etc.). This is the only way to truly be x-treme and assure yourself of a sexy, sculpted physique in 2007.

3rd> Commitment and lifestyle changes are nice, fancy catch-phrases, but don’t let them think for you. If the Queen of England said she was gonna jump off the Brooklyn Bridge, what would Jose do?

4th> Sleep and water = overrated.

5> If you eat Taco Bell five nights a week, consider cutting one or two (actually just one) off of that regimen. In fact a good rule of thumb is to not eat after 5AM.

6th> It is just that simple.

7> And today only, eat some black eyed peas.

HAPPY NEW YEAR'S NEW DARK AGERS!!