I Guess I'll Never Make-Out With Amy Poehler After All

Maybe this is old news, but I never knew that SNL’s Amy Poehler was actually married to Will Arnett (of Arrested Development fame) in real-life! I knew she had a recurring role in the series as the wife of Arnett's character GOB, but I didn't know it was art imitating life or life imitating art or art squashing my celebrity crush fantasies. Anyway, I guess I'm happy and sad all at the same time. If she has to be married to somebody, Arnett seems alright, I guess.

Yeah, you know... it actually feels kind of good to be free again. But, if you come across any cute celebrity crush-worthy babes let’em know I’m celebrity crush single. And I really know how to treat a celebrity crush -- just ask Sarah Silverman (we had a great time for a while).

While we’re at it, now that I've bared my heart & soul it’s only fair that you tell me who your secret celebrity crush is and whether or not it would matter if they were married to Will Arnett? C’mon, spill it.

The Counting Crows Are Back!!

From their publicist:

The Counting Crows new album, New Amsterdam: Live at Heineken Music Hall 2003, will be in stores June 20th and I’ve got copies for review and giveaways, plus assets including streaming audio of the classic song “Omaha,” and the never-released track “Hazy,” album art and a press release. Moreover, the Counting Crows are slated to kick off a national summer tour on June 21st in Portland, OR, to be joined by The Goo Goo Dolls on most stops. Review tickets for the upcoming tour (dates listed at the end of this email) are VERY limited, so please forward your requests to me ASAP.

Don't be shy, who wants to go see THE COUNTING CROWS!!? I know Fern is going.

Showhio In June

If you have any events (band shows, art openings, etc.) you'd like us to consider adding to the new Showhio calendar for June please email them to showhio@newdarkages.net ASAP.

The Court & Spark in Columbus

San Francisco’s cool, calm and collected (and much-revered Slum-B-Q Alumni) The Court & Spark aren't the kind of dudes who walk into a bar all hard with their sleeves rolled-up. You see that would obscure their message which is often written right there in a comforting, yet lively yarn. These guys are lovers not fighters and this Thursday night they come to town to play songs off their latest and most fully realized record to date, Hearts (Absolutely Kosher). All the free love will be going on at Little Brother's and we just so happen to have a pair of tickets to giveaway, so for two lucky fans it really will be free. The first person to email us at staff@newdarkages.net with the correct answer to the following question will win.

Please only respond to this giveaway if you live in Columbus and you'll actually go if you win.

The question: What is the name of the first song on The Court & Spark’s new record, Hearts?

The Dark Side Of... Eating!

Since I’ve spent the last sixty hours or so either slumped over a toilet or sweating in my bed as a result of eating polluted pasta at The Cheesecake Factory I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to explore this most uncomfortable of human phenomenon known simply as: Food Poisoning.

You see, food poisoning is defined as any illness resulting from the consumption of food contaminated with pathogenic bacteria, toxins, viruses, prions or parasites.

It’s quite a nasty experience. Symptoms typically begin several hours after ingestion and depending on the agent involved, can include one or more of the following: nausea (check), abdominal pain (yep), vomiting (oh yeah), diarrhea (ugh), fever (I’m hot), headache (ouchy) or tiredness (and uh huh). In most cases the body is able to permanently recover after a short period of acute discomfort and illness. We put a stress on the acute discomfort and illness part of that sentence.

The fact that my symptoms occurred within 1-6 hours after eating the food suggests that it was caused by a bacterial toxin rather than live bacteria. Either way it forced me to miss the Necropolis show and the Memorial Day BBQ and that pissed me the fuck off.

I suggest you avoid food poisoning as often as possible and while you’re at it, avoid The Cheesecake Factory, too. And steer clear of Easton for that matter. I swear a Saturday night there is like stepping into the real life Pleasantville. It’s very creepy.

Bottom-line, remember to practice good hygiene before, during, and after food preparation to reduce the chances of contracting an illness. This action of monitoring food to ensure that it will not cause foodborne illness is known as food safety.

Learn it. Live it. Love it.

This has been The Dark Side of... Eating!™

And now, some pictures of bacteria!!




Get well cards can be sent to:

B. Miller
c/o The New Dark Ages
P.O. Box 82018
Columbus, OH 43202

This Week in Rock & Roll TV: May 29 - June 4, 2006

MON 29: *Franz Ferdinand on Kimmel
WED 31: *Kanye West on Leno
THU 1: *The Magic Numbers on Conan
THU 1: *Nada Surf on Carson Daly
SAT 3: *Ryan Adams & Tift Merritt on Austin City Limits
SAT 3: Damian Marley on Henry Rollins {IFC}
SAT 3: *Pearl Jam on SNL
SUN 4: Gnarls Barkley on Subterranean

* = Episode previously aired

Check local listings for showtimes and channels in your area.

Discuss here >>>

Wonder Showzen BBQout and Cookoff

Due to popular demand. Monday. Tomorrow. MEMORIAL DAY. Bring everything you didn't eat today, and maybe new things you plan to eat tomorrow. Maybe we'll watch some Wonder Showzen. Maybe we'll watch The Jerk (I still haven't unwrapped it. It will be a very special occasion). Maybe we'll just watch anything we damn well want to that makes us feel patriotic. Tompkins. Beach. Lumbus. Merica. Bring a flag.

Necropolis CD/LP Release Tonight!

For our Columbus New Dark Agers mandatory attendance is required for tonight's show at Bourbon Street. Here is a video interview with our beloved Necropolis courtesy of our friends over at weColumbus. See you tonight!

Go here to buy the new record.

Steven Seagal Movie Marathon

TOMORROW! Starting at Noon EST on the USA Channel... fire up that TiVo!


12PM: OUT FOR A KILL (2003)

An archaeologist battles Chinese gangsters after uncovering a scheme to smuggle drugs.

Also starring Michelle Goh, Corey Johnson, Tom Wu, Ozzie Yue, Bruce Wang and Dave Wong. Directed by Michael Oblowitz.


2PM: BELLY OF THE BEAST (2003)

A former CIA agent goes to Thailand to rescue his daughter and her friend from the clutches of an Islamic terrorist group.

Also starring Byron Mann, Monica Lo, Tom Wu, Sarah Malukul Lane, Patrick Robinson and Vincent Riotta. Directed by Siu-Tung Ching.


4PM: THE FOREIGNER (2003)

Assassins pursue a secret agent transporting a mysterious package from France to America.

Also starring Max Ryan, Harry Van Gorkum, Jeffrey Pierce, Anna-Louise Plowman, Sherman Augustus and Gary Raymond. Directed by Michael Oblowitz.

6PM: BLACK DAWN (2005)

A CIA agent races against time to prevent arms dealers from selling a nuclear weapon to terrorists.

Also starring Tamara Davies, John Pyper-Ferguson, Julian Stone, Nicholas Davidoff, Roman Varshavsky and Noa Hegesh. Directed by Alexander Gruszynski.

If anyone has the balls to sit through this entire 8-hour spectacle I expect a detailed report on my desk by Monday morning.

A Statement in Piss Yellow

This record:


is far and wide the best record to be released in Columbus since this record*


Pat them on the back and then buy them all a beer. They deserve it.

(*denotes that Times New Viking's Dig Yourself was not included in this assessment, that and it was officially released in Philadelphia)

Ladies And Gentlemen Your New American Idol!

Taylor Hicks!

Does it suprise you? America has been known to vote for a few hicks in the past...

In Theatres This Weekend

X-Men: The Last Stand starring Hugh Jackman, Patrick Stewart, Halle Berry, Ian McKellen, Famke Janssen, Anna Paquin, Kelsey Grammer, James Marsden, Rebecca Romijn and Shawn Ashmore. Directed by Brett Ratner.

OK. If you could have any ONE superpower, what would it be?

Hysteria: The Def Leppard Story

Last night a few of us got really drunk and happened across this VH1 original movie. Wow, what a score! It was absolutely shit-tastic! Anthony Michael Hall lit up the screen as mullet-wigged super-producer Mutt Lange. The dialogue was as bad as you can imagine times ten, but the entire cast of unknowns made it even better by overacting times a hundred. And I did learn a few things. For example, I had no idea Joe Elliott was such a slave driving prick. And did you know the drummer dude actually lost his arm while racing in the car from Knight Rider listening to his own music (“Rock of Ages”)!? Priceless. I looked on VH1’s site and it didn’t list a time for the next showing of this sure to be cult classic, but I suggest you keep an eye out and watch it if you’re ever flipping channels and see it on; it’s the stuff dreams are made of.

This Week in Rock & Roll TV: May 22 - 28, 2006

TUE 23: Def Leppard on Leno
TUE 23: Atmosphere on Conan
WED 24: Elefant on Kimmel
WED 24: Gnarls Barkley on Conan
THU 25: The Flaming Lips on Leno
SAT 27: *Franz Ferdinand & What Made Milwaukee Famous on Austin City Limits
SAT 27: *Franz Ferdinand on SNL
SAT 27: John Doe on Henry Rollins {IFC}
SUN 28: Secret Machines on Subterranean

* = Episode previously aired

Check local listings for showtimes and channels in your area.

Discuss >>>

TWWL

This week we learned...

• White guys with dreads are pretty fucking awesome.


• Bruce Willis is rumored to be dating 'Perfect Stranger' co-star Tamara Feldman. The 'Die Hard' actor was reportedly spotted shopping for lingerie at a branch of 'La Perla' in Los Angeles with the brunette, who plays a naughty French maid in the new movie.


• You have no civil liberties if you are dead.


• Maps and maps and maps!


• Axl Rose is no match for the big and burly Tommy Hilfiger.


• Gotta remember to call 888.382.1222 from my cell phone.


• Eating at Adriatico’s left me nostalgic for Myles Pizza in Bowling Green.


• The Lindsay are one of the most underrated bands in Columbus.


• And why had I never heard of this band before?


• Wags says the secret to re-heating rice is adding a touch of water before microwaving. Turns out it works on baby kittens, too!


• Just in case those gays try to get all gay and tricky on us, this week a Senate panel approved adding a ban on gay marriage to the U.S. Constitution. What a fucking joke and a waste of taxpayers time and money. I assure you this has nothing to do with Republicans seeking to appeal to certain voters for the November election. Again.


• Tom Hanks might have the worst movie hair since Bobby De Niro in Rocky & Bullwinkle.


• The Cowboy at Mickey’s karaoke claimed he once drove his car 375 miles per hour until it exploded. Karaoke at Mickey’s is one of the true hidden treasures in town.


• Sam Craighead is busy proclaiming that Michael Jordan is better than LeBron James, getting high, and fucking with hoes all day.


• Dan Watson predicts that the Cavs will not lose another game the rest of the year.


• Barry Bonds still sucks.

Summer Concert Reunion Series

Bobby Miller and The New Dark Ages proudly announce the first show in our summer concert series of reunion shows.......

we bring you The Toadies at Little Brothers June 9th. Bobby has been working very hard for the past few months, and he is real happy about this one, so if you see him around town let him know you appreciate the extra effort he made to bring the Toadies back to Columbus for one last hurrah!

VH1s Supergroup Premiers Tonight

Five seasoned Rock Stars descend on Las Vegas to form a band and save Rock and Roll. The catch? None of them know who their band mates are ahead of time. Motor City Madman Ted Nugent, Former Skid Row frontman Sebastian Bach and Anthrax's Scott Ian team up with drummer (Led Zeppelin heir) Jason Bonham and Biohazard's Evan Seinfeld to live together, form a band, write new music and perform a concert in just 12 days.

Legendary Rock Manager Doc McGhee is enlisted to keep these legendary Rock egos in check, and keep the mission on track. Together, in a city of sin, they struggle to navigate the drinking, fighting, lap dances and somehow find the time to write, rehearse, and put on a show worthy of their formidable rock legacies. Five Rock Stars. 12 Days. No Excuses. This is Supergroup.

OK. I admit it sounds semi-intriguing for all the same reasons that Carter saying he wants to eat a baby does.

My first question is: “Five seasoned Rock Stars.” What are we talking here? A nice flavorful cajun seasoning? A little sea salt and ground black pepper? They really need to elaborate further. Also, “form a band and save Rock and Roll”!?!? WTF, haven’t the producers of this show ever heard of a little band that goes by the name of My Chemical Romance? Don’t worry boys; Rock and Roll is doing just fine. My final argument involves the casting. Where the fuck is David Lee Roth? And Alanis Morrisette? That’s all I’m saying. And Phil Collins.

Tune in tonight at 10pm EST to see who gets in the first fight, who pulls the first hammy trying to do a flying scissor kick and who passes out first in a puddle of their own piss and STD’s. VH1 CELEBREALITY! FUCK YEAH!!