Hey, did you know I can see your nipples?

Have you guys heard of Anna Benson? She’s this chick that is married to this dude who plays baseball and basically she has been causing a bunch of controversy with her “outlandish behavior”. I guess the self-anointed “irreverent humanitarian” likes to talk about her and her hubby, Kris, doing it all over the place. And she gets drunk & obnoxious at games and wears revealing outfits and basically parties like there is no tomorrow.

Doesn’t sound half bad, eh fellas?

Well, we put the New Dark Ages crack team (yes, we have a crack team) of investigators on the case and they turned up these fascinating quotes from her personal website:

On her, uh, fun-bags: “…actually, these are not my real fun-bags. After breastfeeding three kids, I was constantly tripping over my jugs whenever I tried to walk anywhere. So, I got a much deserved boobie job. If anyone has a problem with it, they just might get slapped in the face with one of my ripe melons.”

On guns: “I'm pretty happy with the way our government functions, so I really don't see a need to form a militia at this time; however, this has nothing to do with my right to bear arms, which I do choose to take advantage of… I am writing this letter as a young, female pistol-packing mama.”

On PETA: “I am sorry that you are a member of PETA, the animal-humping losers. As a truly pulchritudinous woman, a carnivore, and a realist, I hope you encounter a rabious dog in a dark alley so that you can try to save him before he bites your big, loser ass.”

On Michael Moore: “You are a selfish, pathetic excuse for an American, and you can take your formerly big, fat ass over to Iraq and get your pig head cut off and stuck on a pig pole. Then, you can have your equally as fat wife make a documentary about how loudly you squealed while terrorists were cutting through all the blubber and chins to get that 40 pound head off of you. I dare you to go to Iraq and diarrhea all over our soldiers; they would love to strip you naked in the streets and leave you so that the terrorists can pick you up and dispose of you the way terrorists do. If you believe that Iraq and Al-Qaeda were not together, go over there and see for yourself.”

At what point does it really not matter anymore that you’re all hot & freaky when you are obviously bat shit crazy?

You had me at pig pole.

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